20 Feb, 2020

Introduction

The unthinkable has happened. At the ripe old age of 37, I have found myself longing to commit my innermost thoughts to paper as I did so freely during my adolescence. Only this time, the subject matter is slightly more hard-hitting. (I’m sure my 16-yr-old self would beg to differ. Young love was hard. Sigh.) So today is the day that I have decided to start a diary – a hobby usually reserved for angst-ridden teens. What I would give to be an angst-ridden teen once more.

Now I am not a novice in the art of diary-writing. I have filled countless notebooks with incoherent teenage ramblings and, somewhat inexplicably, pencil sketches of dogs; seemingly the only subject matter I was even vaguely capable of representing on paper. Documented in minute detail inside these never-ending diaries spawning years of my young adult life, were the recent escapades of my latest love interest, and their latest love interest – never me, sadly – alongside developments with friends’ latest love interests, (admittedly more requited).

But writing a diary as a *proper* adult? (And I use that term extremely loosely.) Unthinkable. Or it would be, if my life were in any way sticking to the regimented milestones of my theoretical life plan. Because no matter what I do and no matter what I try: I. CAN. NOT. GET. PREGNANT.

I’ve tried all manner of approaches; some rational, some borderline crazy and some categorically insane.* But the end result is always the same. My uterus remains as barren as the Atacama desert.

So, what do you do when your life isn’t panning out in the way that you planned? Well, if you’re me, you dig out your best notebooks once more and set about documenting the relentless and uncompromising journey that is infertility, in the only way you know how. Luckily for you, not an unimpressive anthology of mediocre dog drawings.

*I once tried to go an entire month without touching till receipts after hearing of their (probably negligible) negative impact on fertility. Unsurprisingly, this exercise did not leave me with-child.

8 Comments

  1. CB

    This is incredibly honest and brave. Thank you for sharing with the world. X

    Reply
    • Admin

      Thank you so much. I’m glad you enjoyed reading it. X

      Reply
  2. EH

    Hope sharing your story is helping. I found myself refusing a till receipt today without even thinking about it. Still living in hope that 2021 will also be our year. ❤️

    Reply
    • Admin

      It’s very cathartic! I still eye till receipts up suspiciously though…

      Reply
  3. Hannah

    Hi, I just wanted to say that I read your article in Stella today – thank you so much for sharing your story. I have a few friends in your position and it’s so frustrating that they can’t press on with the treatment they’ve waited so long for, along with the worries of furloughing / redundancies etc. (I don’t have kids but am single and nearly 38 so may be going down the clinic route myself at some point.)

    Your story and blog is so well written and I know will be helping lots of people.

    Reply
    • Admin

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I really hope it brings comfort to others in the same position. x

      Reply
  4. Tamsin

    Hi Ruth, l popped to see my mum yesterday for a distanced visit & she gave me her last 2 months Stella mags. I’m sat in the glorious sunshine in my garden having just read the article & wanted to wish Matthew & yourself all the very best on your journey ❤️ I can totally relate with your devastation & disappointment but please stay positive ☀️ I am keeping everything crossed for you & look forward to following your brave journey ❤️

    Reply
    • Admin

      Thank you so much Tamsin. I’m doing my best to remain positive! x

      Reply

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